Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
