I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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