I'm so fucking centered right now
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
