You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
