Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Randomize
