When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
