I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
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