Im at strip club and am horny
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
