I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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