omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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