Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
