I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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