Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
