apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
