I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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