Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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