I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
