I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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