Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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