I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
