we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
