I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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