This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
