Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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