i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
