2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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