totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
