I think my vagina is haunted
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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