Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
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dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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