i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
