i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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