dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
