I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
