I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
