I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
