Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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