Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
