Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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