I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
