Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
