Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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