he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
