and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
