his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
God, I missed his penis.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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