I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There r osticjed everywhere
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
