i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
