fuck your aforementioned shoe
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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