Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
