You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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