Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
