i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
do nipples grow back?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
