: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
