I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
