I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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