It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
