She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
