I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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