How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
