watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
