so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
