I wish I could teleport
I wish my penis had an off switch
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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