You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
