I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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