the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
my poor anus
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
